Surrender'n Chief?

February 19th, 2005

President John Kerry, Addressing the Nation from the White House -

My Fellow Americans, I stand before you, humbled. Humbled by the choice you have overwhelmingly made, to elect me, John Kerry, as your newest President of the United States of America.

I have decided, in the spirit of one of the few, true Renaissance men, that I will speak from my heart. This speech is from my heart, not pre-written or transcribed. My handlers… consultants, that is…. advised me against this, but you, the American people, deserve something real, something genuine, for once. For the first time in four years, at the very least.

I say that I won “overwhelmingly”. I talked to my handlers a few weeks ago and told them we needed to remember that almost half of the country voted for “what’s his..f..” (pause) I meant (unclear) I’m sorry. I almost said “Washington”, but meant the other “W” President. Walker. John Walker Bush. Aw (profanity). I’m sorry… I meant George, my opponent. Well, no longer my opponent. My defeatant (sic). I beat him. Fair and square.

(Quieter) Can… (unclear)… start over? Live? Great… Anyway, my fellow Americans. Half the country voted for Bush. But my handl.. (unclear) my advisors reminded me that most of the “Red” state’s votes are merely from the fly-over states, and many of those votes are also probably forged, stolen, etc. They are also a lot lower IQ in the general population of the Red states. Please keep this in mind. So I believe I have the vast majority of valid, intelligently cast votes in America. From the people who matter the most. From those who make the decisions.
And I thank you for those votes. I also want to thank the Ohio Supreme Court and the Florida Supreme court for stepping in and forcing all 8 of the recounts. I want to thank the US Supreme court for staying the hell… sorry… the heck… out this time, so the people and their votes, and not the courts, can be the ones to speak. The…the…courts. The state courts. You understand. The courts. I mean, the people. The people! The votes! (Long pause) (Quieter) Just keep going?

My fellow Americans, as you already know, we received a threat from Kim Jong Il, two days ago. He has threatened to launch a nuclear attack against Seattle, Washington. Although we will not be intimidated by these tactics, by any means… but, I’m also a very reasonable man. I believe that deep down, Kim Jong Il is… very possibly, at least… a reasonable man. I have appealed to that reason. To begin with, we have asked North Korea to officially forgive America for my predecessor’s reference to them as one of the 3 countries in a so called, “Axis of Evil”. We deeply apologize for that gaff. We have made clear to him that we do not believe that any country can be labeled “evil”. Evil is entirely subjective. They might think that we are evil. And this is probably just one of a million things the previous President did to destroy our esteem in the eyes of other nations. We want North Korea to like us… we want North Korea to understand… we want to have peace with them at all costs. Well… almost any cost.

I have personally spoken to Jimmy Carter, the newly appointed General Secretary of the UN. We have asked them to also contact North Korea and pledge our undying support and if necessary, funds, to their country as a good will gesture to this great nation.
Please keep in mind, my fellow Americans, that when I came back from Vietnam, where I served my country with distinction and received many medals to prove that, when I returned, I also then protested that same war. Some saw this as wrong. Well, I’m here to tell you that they were wrong! Peace at whatever cost possible is crucial to the stability of our nation and the world. We are here to prove just that, once and for all.

To ease the fears of Kim Jong Il, we have made it clear that we will not, I repeat, will not, launch an attack against his great nation, irregardless. Mr. Jon (sic) Il, if you can hear me now…I want to try to set you at ease, my friend. And I think I can do just that.

Please understand, that we have submitted all authority of nuclear launching codes, directly to the United Nations. If this doesn’t set you at ease, I don’t know what will. We are a peaceful people. We have been drenched in the peaceful philosophies of the new America… the true America. The America that was brought forth with great birthing pains, if you will, in the 1960’s. We are not war mongers like the previous administration. This will save us, whereas war cannot, when others see that we are not out to harm them.

(Unclear) Excuse me… (cross-talk)… what? What are you saying? What? Dammit, just tell me! Headed towards (unclear) Seattle? What is? Cut the mic! Portland, too? (long pause) (cross talk - unclear)

Uh… well… I can’t believe it. Those bas... right. Call Carter. Now! Call him and asked for the codes back. Go! And call Clinton, too!

OK… uh… (deep sigh) well… my fellow Americans. We are under attack. We will take care of this. I promise. I have to go? OK. Excuse me. Good night, my fellow Americans and God Ble… (audio signal cut off).
(End)